In many of the parenting books I've read (okay okay, skimmed is more like it) I've been "told" that babies under 2 or 3 are too young for discipline. I've gone to a couple parenting classes that stress positive parenting and advise you not to say no (too much). Every time someone with some knowledge and authority in the realm of parenting tells me what I should do, I tend to agree but then get frustrated because I CAN'T BE POSITIVE ALL THE TIME!!! and yes, I do get angry with Garrett (almost every day at least once.) All this advice put expectations in my head of who I should be as a mom. They are good expectations to have, however when I get angry and yell at Garrett or put him in his crib for a time out (because really I need a time out), I felt terrible. Note: this chapter does not validate yelling at your child or even putting them in a "time out". I was also frustrated because I knew that Garrett was testing his limits (as all children do and should) and I felt I needed to figure out what my limits were and what the consequences of pushing or breaking those limits would be. I don't like the idea of telling a child "no" all the time, but I do believe in limits. I think they make children feel safe and loved even though they like to test them! Also as one of Garrett's pediatricians commented, "Discipline is not he same as punishment." I am all for discipline and consequences that teach lessons. Why not let children learn from their mistakes while they are young and the consequences are small than wait until their mistakes result in more dire consequences?
Chapter 2 points to three common myths about discipline. Here they are along with my comments:
Myth #1: Discipline and Learning Require Language - Cool, cause we're in just the early stages of language. Basically loving actions speak louder than words.
Myth #2: A Little Child Cannot Remember and Learn - obviously this can't be true since there is SO MUCH learning going on right now and Garrett is remembering all sorts of things that he's done, read, seen, etc.
Myth #3: Setting Limits Will Break a Young Child's Spirit - Um, Garrett sometimes sets his own limits. He also pushes them. He still has a spirit!
Love and Logic says, "When children act out, what they're really saying is, 'please love me enough to set some limits'" (p. 31)
Okay, so I'm ready to set some limits. Here are some of the things Garrett does that I'm NOT okay with, aka, the non-negotiables:
- Throwing food to indicate that he's done. Frequently he'll do this only when I'm watching so I assume he's trying to get a reaction. Note to self: Don't react, instead take food away and let him sit in his chair. Say, when you're ready to get down please ask nicely. (He knows how to say down and please.)
- Hitting, biting, or clawing me. He will sometimes smack his playmates when they have a toy he wants. He mostly does this to me when I'm changing his diaper or clothes or getting him ready to go outside. Sometimes he does it when he's in a good mood too, and he laughs about it. It infuriates me!
- Grabbing or hitting the dog. She can fend for herself mostly when he's running around after her but he needs to learn how to treat all living things with respect. Although Lily is trying to assert her dominance by humping him. I might have to talk to an animal behavior specialist about this!
- Throwing food - I say, "I'm sorry your breakfast (or lunch or dinner) is over, it was so yummy." Take the food away and tell Garrett, "You can sit here until you can ask to get down nicely." Ignore him for a minute or so then ask, "Are you ready to get down?" Is that too many words? Maybe I should also remind him of the words that are appropriate. Like say, "When you're ready to get down you say 'all done, down please'"
- Hitting, biting, clawing - Whew, this one is a hard one. It is so hard not to react with anger. It not only hurts me physically (really it does, he's strong!) but emotionally also. Its also tricky because sometimes we're in the middle of a messy diaper change. So I think what I should do is immediately say, "You're hurting mom, it looks like you need some bedroom time after this diaper change." Finish the diaper change and put him in his room for 1 minute or until he's calm, then go back in and finish getting him dressed. I know I have to be consistent about this, even when we're late for something.
- Hitting or grabbing the dog. He may learn his lesson here through natural consequences, but as long as I'm around to make sure he isn't bit by the dog, I will usually just put the dog upstairs and close the gate. Lily (the dog) likes getting away for alone time upstairs and Garrett dislikes it when she goes up. I say to him, "Lily doesn't like when you hit her, she wants to be alone now." Garrett learns (hopefully), and Lily gets relief from the torment. Win-win.
- Teach your child the difference between a whiny voice and a "big" one. Next time your child whines model the difference. So I would say, "Garrett a whiny voice sounds like this..." And I'd imitate him. "A big voice sounds like this, I want please." And I'd use the sign for please and maybe the object if I know it.
- When your child begins to whine, go hard of hearing. Pretend not to hear. Remind him, "use your big voice."
- If your child continues to whine, become a broken record. Ask, "why can't I hear you?" over and over. I'm not sure I like this one, doesn't seem productive and it seems a little sarcastic. I think I'd prefer to say, "I can hear you when you use your big voice."
Maybe change "big voice" to "polite voice".
Continue practicing giving choices.
Practice delivering consequences with empathy and without reacting with anger especially for the non-negotiables as mentioned above.
I'll try to post again soon.
