Chapter 1: Basic Ingredients of Love and Logic Magic

"With Love and Logic, your children will learn how to live with the consequences of their actions, avoid blaming others for their problems, and make wise decisions."  (Fay & Fay, Pg. 3)  Sounds good to me!
The first chapter explains the four principles of Love and Logic but before that it gives several examples of children and their parents using Love and Logic.  One example is of a 2 year old boy who knows that the stairs are off limits but goes to them anyway while guests are over for dinner, Mom tells him she'll take him upstairs after dinner and when he goes to the stairs anyway she "sings" the phrase, "Uh-oh" and lovingly brings him to sit under her chair while she finishes her dinner, when he complains she tells him he can come up when he's acting sweet.  He calms down, she invites him back up and he goes immediately to the stairs.  She sings "Uh-oh" again and he stops in his tracks and sits on the first stair smiling sweetly.
Okay, this sounds a little too good to be true and also a little weird, but the authors go on to say that this is a true story.  Still I wonder why they don't just have a gate on the stairs and why they put the boy under her chair and not just in his room.  The chapter goes on and continues to sound quite cheesy actually but I'm just getting started so I'm going to stick with it and give it the benefit of the doubt.
Here are the four principles of Love and Logic:

1. Build the Self-Concept - The way I see this is that the more you give kids opportunities to think for themselves, solve their own problems, the more they will see themselves as capable problem solvers and they will build a healthy self concept.  As parents we can do this by offering empathy when our child encounters a problem or makes a mistake, by asking them questions to help them identify the problem and find a solution.  We must try not to treat our children in ways that make them feel that they are less than capable.  This is what Love and Logic call "The Gift of Personal Success"  "A goal of Love and Logic is to make the home as similar as possible to the real world.  Our children must know how to handle situations that appear without warning - that require them to think for themselves.  When we give our children this gift, they begin to believe: 'I've got what it takes!'" (Pg. 8)  This all makes sense, but my first reaction is that it seems like Garrett is too young to solve many of his own problems.  Then I remembered some interactions Garrett had with some other kiddos at a birthday party the other day.  The all wanted the same deflated squishy balloon.  We blew up some more balloons in the same deflated squishy manner and offered them to the other kids.  Throughout the party as they continued to try and take the squishy balloons from each other, we were able to suggest that they play with a different squishy balloon.  The same scenario has played out in many a play group with Garrett you frequently tries to take toys from other kids and I have to redirect him to other toys.  I suppose this is a form of helping him solve the problem of wanting something he can't have immediately.  I also try to give choices in these circumstances.  I'll say something like, "So and so is playing with that right now, you can play with this or that?  Which do you want?"
2. Share the Control - "Control is a basic human emotional need.  Its something we crave so strongly that sometimes people will even hurt others - or themselves - to regain it. (Pg. 10)  Many parents tend to take on more control than they need to, children need to assume some control over their lives as well.  This principle is about giving control away to your children when you don't really need it.  For example, giving your children choices that don't cause a problem for anyone else in the world.  This is the experiment for the week so I made a list of choices I can give to Garrett, but I'm not sure he'll get them all.  We'll see, here's my list.  Any more suggestions?
• Do you want grapes or strawberries for snack?
• Do you want this book or that book before bed?
3. Offer Empathy, then Consequences - This is a biggie!  And it seems like its going to be really hard because sometimes I do not feel empathic, I feel rage and frustration that Garrett is throwing his food or hitting me or biting me or generally being a pill all day long and wearing me out.  But anyway, that is beside the point right now, and this is the reason I'm reading this book, I need a more positive way to deliver consequences and deal with Garrett's difficult behaviors without getting so frustrated.  This is exactly what this principle is about.  When your child makes a mistake, show genuine empathy for their situation and then follow up with a logical consequence. Children can learn from their mistakes better this way.  When parents give consequences angrily learning is "short-circuited" because of the "fight of flight" response.  From other books I've read, I understand that very young children don't understand adult anger or frustration.  "Every time we use empathy, our kids' reasoning brains turn on.  Every time we deliver threats or anger, their reasoning brains turn off.  Empathy opens the mind to learning."  (Pg. 18)  I love this quote!  By the way, this principle is where the idea of creating a empathic phrase such as, "Uh-oh, this is so sad for you..." or "What a bummer..."  There is a chapter and an experiment coming up that deals with coming up with a sincerely empathic phrase you can use, so I'll be thinking of what I can use best with Garrett.  I know I try to do this now, but I know sometimes I sound pretty sarcastic.  I need to work on that!
4. Share the Thinking - Again, I immediately thought this must be something for later on down the road, but on closer inspection and with some thought, I think Garrett can think and I think I can encourage him to do so.  In fact just this morning he came close to me and put his hand in the air and brought it down to smack me, he missed and I said, "hands are not for hitting Garrett."  He slowly lifted his hand again and looked at me very carefully.  He chose to hit me in the end, but he did think about what he was doing, or at least what my reaction was going to be.  By the way, my reaction was to say, "Uh oh, looks like you need some bedroom time" (which he's had a lot of recently and he's getting really good at calming down quickly in his bedroom, which doesn't always mean he's calm when he comes out of his bedroom.  Obviously I have more questions that hopefully the book will address.  But I digress.)  "Shared thinking means using lots of love and empathy and guiding a child toward solutions rather than either rescuing or automatically doling out punishment.  Shared thinking starts when we ask questions."  (Pg. 22)  So maybe I should have asked Garrett, "What can you do when you're frustrated instead of hit Mom?"  Not sure he'd be able to answer that just yet, but I'll try.  

So there you go, the four principles of Love and Logic.  Now on to the experiment, which is about sharing the control by giving choices.  My job is to make a list of choices to give Garrett this week.  There are some guidelines for these choices:  

• You should give most choices while your child is calm and things are going smoothly.  
• Only give choices that aren't dangerous and don't hurt anyone else in the world.  
• Always offer two choices, each a choice that makes you (the parent) happy.  
• If your child can't decide in ten seconds choose for them.  

I started a list back while I was writing about principle #2, here is a complete list of the choices I came up with for Garrett (I'd love some more suggestions though!):

• Do you want blueberries or strawberries for snack?  (Really there are a lot of food choices that would work.)
• Do you want this book or that book for your bedtime story?
• Do you want your boat or your rubber duckie in the bath with you?  (This may not be a good choice, because I usually just let him have any of his toys in the bath.)
• Do you want the red shirt or the blue shirt today?
• Do you want to hold my hand down the stairs or for me to carry you?
• Do you want to use the red crayon or the green crayon first?
• Are you going to go to the slide or the swings first?
• We have to go soon, do you want to stay at the park for one more minute or two more minutes?
• Do you want to drink milk or water with your meal?
• Which quiet toy do you want to take to church? (Hold out two toys)
• Which ball do you want to take to the park? (Hold out two balls)
• Do you want me to change your diaper on the bed or on the floor?
• Do you want to stand up or lie down while I change your diaper?

Many of these choices he can give me an answer to by pointing, taking the item from my hand, signing or telling me, but some of them I don't think he gets.  I've been using many of these choices for a while actually so I know that some of them he still doesn't understand, but we'll keep using them and eventually he might.  He generally hates getting his diaper changed and getting dressed so when I ask him where he wants to get his diaper changed or what color shirt he wants, he usually just runs away.  So maybe this doesn't follow the guideline of using choices when things are going smoothly.
The next part of the experiment is to see how many choices you can make each day and then make a withdrawal of a choice.  This means when you need to make a decision about something just do it without giving a choice, if there is a complaint about it remind the child that you've let them make many choices already and this time its your turn.  The idea is that the more "deposits" of choices you give them, the better able they will deal with your "withdrawals"

Please send suggestions for choices!